Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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