in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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