I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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