She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
