K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
