dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
