On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
