smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Someone signed my nipple.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
