I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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