I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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