I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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