Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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