I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
