youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
