i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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