He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
