her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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