omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
