i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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