I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize