I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
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