Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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