we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize