When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
