some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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