I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
