Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
