Only a mothe r could love this liver
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize