"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
