The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
