I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
