they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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