you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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