Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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