I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
