she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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