So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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