I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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