is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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