You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
