i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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