ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
