he wants to bone in the snuggie
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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