Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize