I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
