sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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