Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
