The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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