First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
