I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
