I'm jealous of your bromance
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
