I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
