Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
