I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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