I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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