I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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