Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
