I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize