I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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