She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
