Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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