ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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