You're my little dorito
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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