PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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